Random bits of Audrey-ness

Baskin Robbins New Ice Cream Flavor

In honor of the 44th President of the United States, Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor: ” Barocky Road .”

Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by nuts and flakes. The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient. The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.

The cost is $100.00 per scoop.

When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but after you pay for it,  the ice cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you at no charge.

You are left with an empty wallet and no change, holding an empty cone with no hope of getting any ice cream.

Are you stimulated?

Ever since the earthquake hit Haiti, Madeline and Sophie have been full of questions. They have been coming up with ideas to try to raise money. Every time they see it on the news they ask what they can give. They know about Haiti from our church and the work we do there to help them. So at this moment we are watching the Hope For Haiti special on tv and talking about it. The girls want to know why God let this happen. How do I answer that? Why do they have no money? Why don’t the have an education and jobs? I don’t know that answer either. They want to adopt an abanded child. That’s something I can do. That’s something my family can do. That’s an answer I know. But is it an option?
Dave and Neil Young are on now. Oh my.

Donate now!!!

Go to American Red Cross site and donate to help the vicitms of the earthquake.

Or you can text the word Haiti to 90999 and automatically give $10.  (It will be in your next cell phone bill).

Earthquakes are one of my biggest fears.  The thought of one happening here scares me to death.  We are due for one any day now.  So get your emergency kits ready.  The devastation in Haiti is unreal.  My church does a lot of work down there and to have something like this happen when the situation is already awful just makes it that much worse.  You won’t miss $10.  Forgo that bottle of wine and that designer coffee for a week and give that money to the American Red Cross.  It’s the least you can do.

Go donate as soon as you finish this sentence.

THANK YOU!  (Ok, now go!)

No, sorry, this is not going to be a post about Harry Reid and he getting away with what he said about Barry just because he’s a Democrat. If any Republican said that it’d be a totally different story and you know it. By the way, Gwen Ifill needs to go away to that island and never come back.  No, it’s not about the idiots at UT getting busted for guns and dope.  (and then beating #1 Kansas. I am still crying over that one.)  No, it’s not about the drug cartel in Mexico killing a guy and chopping him into 7 pieces then taking off his face and sewing it to a soccer ball and mailing it to his family.  No, my dear internet surfers, it’s about 2 people I really like and respect and who by photo proof are making me rethink my opinions.

He’s at Walmart!!!  Why, Jimmy, must you ruin all the good things I think about you by going there?!  You were so funny on SNL and the one good movie you did.  You were lovely, albeit a little nervous, in NY on your show when I saw you.  Why are you going to Wally World?  Don’t you have money?  And standards?

Stephen Flippin’ Tyler at Walmart.  Kill me.  Just go ahead and kill me now.

Who’s next? I swear to all that is good on this earth, if Dave Matthews goes to Walmart I will never be the same.  NEVER.

Well if the Cowboys want to call themselves “America’s Team”, they need to have a true American cheerleader. I think we have found her.

Can’t believe they beat the Saints on the Saints home turf…..

I think Tim Tebow is my most favoritest football player.  I mean, look at the guy!  ‘

He’s a great football player, he’s a good person, and he loves Jesus!  How much better can you get?  Oh, and he’s cute.  Let’s not forget that.  Too bad he wasn’t all that Saturday afternoon.  I really didn’t care which team one the SEC Championship.  I really just wanted Tebow to win so I could say his name.  Tim TeBOW!! (sounds like POW) I wanted him to go out strong.  But, that stupid other player got a DUI and they lost.  They lost bad.  And it hurt me to see Tim hurt.  Erik says he won’t be good in the NFL.  Not that I care.  Unless he plays for the Titans or Steelers  I won’t care. (those are the only two teams I kind of keep up with)  So, good luck Tim.  Keep on playing and keep on preaching.

Now, can we please quit focusing on stupid permanently horny Tiger Woods?  So he slept with other people than his wife.  Happens to poor bad golfers too.  Do you care?  Nope.  What I think is so hilarious is that half these women deny it or don’t want to be identified.  Is it because Tiger is so damn ugly and you are embarrassed?  It’s not like he’s Tim TeBOW!  And all the women he cheated on his wife with are white women.  Oh boy.  One even claims he dropped her off at her trailer park after a night of romping in a hotel room.  Really, Tiger?  A trailer park woman?  Please, all the money in the world and you choose a porn star and a chick from a trailer park?  And, in case you forgot, he is married to a model.

So let’s hope all these young kids who idolize their sports guys look to Tim and not to Tiger.  And let’s hope that Tim stays true to who he is and doesn’t end up like Jason Peter.

One last thing – the BCS sucks!  I hope that the government actually signs that bill that’s being rumored that would put an end to calling it a championship game.  Weren’t there 5 undebeated teams this year?

My two daughters are beautiful.   Absolutely beautiful.  I look at them sometimes and wonder how they are mine.  Madeline’s blond hair and blue eyes and pale skin look nothing like me.  Her petite frame that seems to finally grow overnight.  Her lips the color that I would pay hundreds to have in a tube.  Her body is fit,  no fat anywhere.  As much as Erik and her hate it when I say it, she has an awesome butt.  The kind of butt I wish I had, that comes from dancing and playing soccer.  She is a beautiful girl.  And Sophie, my polar opposite of Madeline.  Sophie’s face is round and  angelic where Madeline’s is long and thin.  Sophie is not petite, she is, as she likes to say, “sturdy.”  She’s not overweight at all.  She is tall for her age.  She has beautiful, crisp green eyes and shiny blond hair that frames her face perfectly.  She can wear anything and it fits her.  She actually has a good figure and will be the envy of many other girls when she gets older.

So this is what I can’t understand.  Why can’t they take a decent picture?!  It’s Christmas card time and we spent almost an hour trying to get a decent shot of the both of them.  Sophie looks like she has been smoking weed all day with her half closed eyes and crooked smile.  Madeline tries to pose like Disney kid and ends up looking like a wannabe porn star.   If one looks good in a shot, the other is looking in a completely different direction or has her eyes closed.  Madeline looks perfect, Sophie looks stoned.  Sophie actually has her eyes open and is smiling, Madeline is mid-sentence with a goofy look on her face. Why is this so damn hard?  My gorgeous girls look like People of Walmart in the pictures.  It’s probably me and my  inability to take a decent picture.  Or it’s the camera and the way I have no idea how to set the proper lighting and setting and all that mess.  But you would think, as beautiful as my girls are, that at least one out of 80+ pictures would be decent.  But no.  I suck, they suck, the camera sucks.  So tonight, armed with bribes of candy and money, I will attempt to take pictures again.  Wish me luck.  Or there won’t be a Christmas card this year!

No matter how much I am dreading Thanksgiving.  No matter how crazy it will be.  No matter if I gain a pound or two from now till Chrismahanakwanzakuh.  No matter if I have a bad day at work.  No matter if I don’t get all my shopping done.  No matter what, at least I don’t have:

BACK BOOBS!!!!!!

There are at least half a dozen houses in my neighborhood that all already decked out for Christmas.  A full week before Thanksgiving.  How flippin’ annoying is that?   Now every time I look out my sitting room window I see blinking lights and Santa.  For 6 long weeks I will have that view. I have never been a fan of Thanksgiving.  In fact, it’s the holiday I love to hate.  Why?  I know what you are thinking – but you love to cook!  How can you hate a holiday that is all about the food.  That’s why, people of the internet, that’s why.   Because it’s all about the food.  It’s not supposed to be all about the dead inhumanely killed turkey cooked and stuffed and ripped to shreds as the focal point of the day.  But it is.  It’s not supposed to be about the calorie laden sugar fest that is supposed to be a simple sweet potato.  People get so worked up over food that the real supposed meaning of Thanksgiving is lost.  Did you know that Sarah Hale proposed we have this day to good ole Abe Lincoln?  She even came up with the menu!!  Nothing we eat for Thanksgiving is what the first Thanksgiving attendees had.  It’s all made up!!  I like to call it Indian Exploitation day, which really irks my husband.  It’s not Turkey day – at least for me.  You may call it Tofurkey day, it has such a cute ring to it!  If it was Turkey day, we would be celebrating a turkey, not killing it and eating it.  Why don’t Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson protest Thanksgiving?  The white man did more to the Native Americans than they ever did to African Americans.  We took away their land!!  Somewhere in the history of Thanksgiving day we forgot that.  We are too busy thawing and baking and fighting with family.  So let’s go ahead and get a petition to bypass this utterly useless holiday and get right to Christmas.  You know, we should call the time from after Halloween to New Years’ Day Christmahanukwanzakuh. No one gets left out and then we can be done with it.

What do they have in common?  Townsends.  My mom’s oldest sister’s husband, Van, died from the swine flu last week.  He went from feeling bad enough to go to the doctor, to being diagnosed with the virus, to ICU in about 72 hours.  Within two weeks he had died.  It’s awful, really.  My aunt was in another hospital for a surgery from complications of all her other surgeries and radiation poisoning.  You know it’s bad when another hospital calls and says to come now.  At least she got to see him while he was somewhat still in aware.

The funeral/memorial service was Saturday in Florida.  All the sisters and brothers and some of their kids came.  I went, more for my mother than anything else, but I needed and wanted to go.  Lynn is very dear to me and I always had a good time with Van.  If an outsider would have been at the house Saturday night they would not know that a funeral had just taken place.  It was fabulous!!  We were fighting like Koreans, outdoing each other in planks, seeing who was most flexible ( I think that’s the only thing I won) and leg wrestling.  Yes, the aunts and uncles, who range in age from 38 to 59 were on the floor leg wrestling.  HILARIOUS.  I discovered one of my aunts who is almost 50 is in amazing shape, another aunt takes to knitting when things get out of hand, an uncle thinks a lot like me, and a cousin is a sniper on a NASA helicopter.   Yes, there was plenty of alcohol involved.  Need you even ask?

When I die that’s how I want people to be:  drunk, happy, laughing, knowing that I am watching from above (or below) and that I would want everyone to have fun.  Put my cremated body on the mantel and fight like Koreans.