Pope Benedict XV1 and Nancy Pelosi are on stage in front of a huge crowd….

The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day they will rejoice!”

Pelosi replied, “I seriously doubt that; with one little wave of your hand?  Show me….”

So the Pope slapped her.

(Thanks Erik!)

People should have to take a test to breed.  There are so many idiots out there having unprotected sex and 9 months later having kids they have no clue what to do with.  Two prime examples:

Balloon boy.  This dad needs to be hung.  He made his kid lie to everyone in the world!!  This dad, who first off should be shot for naming his kid Falcon, told the kids to hide so he could get publicity. People all over the world were praying for this kid and his safe return.  Now people are wanting his head on a platter.  What possesses one to do something like that? Media whore?  C’mon!!  What morals and values are you teaching your children when you send him to the attic to hide in a box while police and military are trying in vain to help this little boy?  Look at what all the attention will get you – jail time and a hefty fine.  Hope you get what you deserve in jail, idiot!

Now, locally, this woman and her “auntie” leave her 2 and 3 year old sons at home ALONE while they go shopping for about an hour.  They get a call on their cell that the house is on fire.  The main concern? Not that the two boys are on the way to the hospital, not that one is dead, not that one is seriously injured.  No, the main concern, and it makes me absolutely sick to even think about this, was that her purse was all burnt up with her EBT card in it.  Seriously?!  All you care about is your food stamps?  Your nephew just DIED because you had to shop.  Take her EBT privileges away.  Don’t let her live off me and you when she can’t take care of her own little boys.  They were 2 and 3 years old!!!!  Why were they home alone?  Can someone explain to me what the thought process was that allowed these idiot women to think that a 2 and 3 year old could stay at home for even a few minutes alone!!?!  As much as I hate the government involvement in our lives, there needs to be a plan for mandatory birth control until you can prove you are worthy and are mentally able to care for someone other than yourself.

Go hug your kids.  Now.  And be grateful you have a brain.

Melvin & Bud

Melvin & Bud saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in Starkville , MS  and bought a mule for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night.”

Melvin & Bud replied, “Well, then just give us our money back.”

The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”

They said, “OK then, just bring us the dead mule.”

The farmer asked, “What in the world ya’ll gonna do with a dead mule?”

Melvin said, “We gonna raffle him off.”

The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead mule!”

Bud said, “We shore can!  Heck, we don’t hafta tell nobody he’s dead!”

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Melvin & Bud at the Piggly Wiggly  grocery store and asked.

“What’d you fellers ever do with that dead mule?”

They said,”We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do.”

Bud said,”Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.”

The farmer said,”My Lord, didn’t anyone complain?”

Melvin said, “Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back.”

Melvin and Bud now work for the government.

They’re overseeing the Bailout Program.

Dear New Pillow,

This relationship is not going well.  I bought you a couple of weeks ago because your label said “Extra Firm for side sleepers.”  I thought we would be a perfect match.  See, I am a classic side sleeper.  I like my pillows like I wish my body was: firm but supple in the right places.  I was all excited to take off your plastic cover and put on one of mine exclusively for you.  You were even quilted!  There was so much to love about you.  But, you fail me.  You are not extra firm.  Not at all, Mr. Pillow.  You are squishy.  You make me wake up with my arm under you so my head is higher.  Don’t you know that makes my shoulder and neck hurt in the morning?  Why oh why do you torture me, New Pillow?  I want to like you, really, I do.  I try each night to make you the perfect place for my sleepy head,  but it doesn’t work.  Advil should not be my drug of choice because you make me hurt.

So long my new, not so firm pillow.  It was never meant to be.  You will now be demoted to “decorative pillow.”  It was nice knowing you.

There’s a new Chik-fil-A opening today downtown.  People camped out for it.  Let me repeat that: People actually camped out in tents for it.  Losers?

Why oh why do commercials and ads on tv and the internet for bug exterminators have to have real bugs on them?  I hate that.  I don’t want to see a bunch of roaches on a kitchen counter.  Nor do I want to see one “crawling” on my monitor.  I hate bugs.  Yea, yea, they eat other  bugs and are good for the soil.  Whatever. I don’t like them at all.  Advertise another less disgusting way.

Unfortunately, a 14 year old girl dies in a car wreck the other day.  That’s awful.  But why is it the lead in story on the news?  Let this family grieve.  People die in car wrecks all the time.  Are we that desperate for news?  I feel tremendous sorrow for this family, but I didn’t know the girl.  Why do I need to know all about her now?

Herenton is making Memphis look bad again.  This time, he’s getting his name in the NY Times.  Yeah, he’s a racist.  Everyone here knows it.  I hope Cohen beats him like a steel drum.

There is a house on Perkins on my way to work that still has Christmas decorations up.  For the longest time, I thought the house was vacant and they just left everything there.  But today, I discovered that someone does live there.  So, since last year, this person has lived with two wreaths on the garage, garland and ribbon and the stair rail, a black Santa, and the icicle lights outside every day.  I mean, how hard is it to carry the plastic light up Santa in the garage?  I would have knocked on the door to ask if I could help if I didn’t think I would be guaranteed to be shot.  But, I guess now it’s not worth it since it’s only 99 shopping days till Christmas.  No use in bringing it all in now.   The laziness just amazes me.

It’s Thursday.  Tomorrow it is Friday.  All will be well then.

You would think with all the hoopla and controversy over the Obama school speech that I would be spewing nonsense like a lot of other idiots out there who didn’t vote for the man.  However, I read the speech.  Not so bad.  He didn’t try to sell public healthcare or Islam or anything like that.  So, I didn’t worry too much about it.  As soon as I got home to the kids I asked about the speech.  “What speech?”  “There was no president  speech that we watched today.”   What?!  Yes, it’s true people.  My kids in a private, Catholic, majority Republican school where most parents are still married did not watch the president urge them to do their best in school.  The don’t need that boost.  My kids, and the majority of the kids at that school get the positive reinforcement they need from their parents and their teachers.  They don’t really relate to Obama’s hard times growing up.  They don’t live in “tough” neighborhoods.  Their parents always have food on the table.  To the majority of the kids at SFA, not doing their best is not an option.

It’s a sad state when you have to be told this via a live conference with the President.  Shouldn’t parent’s be responsible for telling their kids to do their best?  Shouldn’t the teachers at the schools try their hardest to make sure every kids succeeds despite hardships at home?  My parents and my teachers did what they could to provide me with everything I need to have a successful life.   How hard is that?  I didn’t need a president to tell me that.

There is nothing I hate more than people who don’t know the difference between something that’s supposed to be a joke and something that’s real.  There are people who read my little piece of the internet who don’t understand my sense of humor.  They make stupid comments.  I know what I say isn’t scientifically correct.  I am no freakin’ scientist.  It’s a JOKE, people.  It’s irony.  It’s humor.  It’s satire.  And if you are so stupid as to think what I say is the damn truth or that (gasp!) I am so dumb that I don’t know how it all works, then you, my non-internet friend, are an idiot.

Thank you, have a nice day.  I am done.

What in the world is up with Memphis weather?  Upper 70’s at the end of August?  Lows in the low 60s?  Where am I, Wisconsin?  Tuesday night I was walking my mom outside at 9:40 and I was freezing!!  It’s still summer and I had the heat on in the van at least 3 times on the way to school and work.  Global warming?  Please.  Al Gore, what do you have to say about this?  We don’t even have humidity lately.  It kind of makes me worry that with such a cool summer what the winter holds for us.  So I looked it up on the Farmer’s Almanac: expect a much colder winter and lots of precipitation.  Yay us.  I am sure we will have White Death 2009 this year.  It also says that we will get the worst of the winter weather earlier.  We usually get snow in March.  As much as I love me some snow, I absolutely HATE the cold that has to happen to make it all pretty and white.

Maybe next year we will have a true Memphis summer, humidity and all.  And Al Gore and start his ramblings again.

Loving Memphis: An Open Letter

by Stephen M. Hackett

I have the coordinates to Memphis tattooed on my left forearm. I get asked about it almost everyday, and usually the response I get is goes something like this:

Why would you get that tattooed on your arm?

My answer is simple — I love Memphis. It’s a great city.

I’m not talking about the postcard platitudes that include sweet tea, BBQ and Elvis. Those type of niceties keep us distracted from the real issues.

I’m talking about the Memphis that I’ve come to know over the last few years that is excited about change. The Memphis that St. Jude, the Memphis Zoo, the Pink Palace and FedEx are proud to call home. The Memphis that gets together to help build skateparks, bike paths and community gardens. The Memphis that cheers when a corrupt mayor steps down. The Memphis that looks at our children’s futures with hope instead of despair. The Memphis that treasures Shelby Farms and wants to clean up playgrounds in Orange Mound.

Loving Memphis doesn’t mean ignoring its problems. Crime is high and our schools are bad. There’s corruption in both city and county governments that keeps them from doing any real work most days. We have an extremely high infant mortality rate and poverty plaguing thousands. We have gangs who threaten our youths’ futures. Memphis is a malnourished, sick city.

Organizations like the Salvation Army (the people behind the Kroc Center), Memphis Union Missions, BRIDGES, the Greater Memphis Greenline, the Hope and Healing Center, the Children’s Museum of Memphis, Christ Community Health Services and countless others are already tackling issues and fixing problems.

But things won’t change — no matter how many great organizations we have — until citizens get mad and get things done. We need to be willing to get over our pride and our anger and go do something. We need to tell our leaders in City Hall what we want and fire them when they don’t deliver. We need to feed the homeless and stop fearing people who don’t look like us.

Most importantly, we need to get over the notion that Memphis’s problems are unique. Memphis’ problems aren’t that unlike problems other cities face, no matter how many people want Memphis to be different — and thus, hopeless.

So Memphians, I challenge you to find something in this city you can love and get behind. Make this city yours. If you can’t do that, if you can’t get past hating this city and the people in it, then step aside. We don’t need you or the negativity you spread. Memphis can’t take it anymore.

And those of us who love it here won’t take it anymore, either.

Wish I could have written this.  How awesome is this guy?! He should run for mayor.