Dear New Pillow,

This relationship is not going well.  I bought you a couple of weeks ago because your label said “Extra Firm for side sleepers.”  I thought we would be a perfect match.  See, I am a classic side sleeper.  I like my pillows like I wish my body was: firm but supple in the right places.  I was all excited to take off your plastic cover and put on one of mine exclusively for you.  You were even quilted!  There was so much to love about you.  But, you fail me.  You are not extra firm.  Not at all, Mr. Pillow.  You are squishy.  You make me wake up with my arm under you so my head is higher.  Don’t you know that makes my shoulder and neck hurt in the morning?  Why oh why do you torture me, New Pillow?  I want to like you, really, I do.  I try each night to make you the perfect place for my sleepy head,  but it doesn’t work.  Advil should not be my drug of choice because you make me hurt.

So long my new, not so firm pillow.  It was never meant to be.  You will now be demoted to “decorative pillow.”  It was nice knowing you.

There’s a new Chik-fil-A opening today downtown.  People camped out for it.  Let me repeat that: People actually camped out in tents for it.  Losers?

Why oh why do commercials and ads on tv and the internet for bug exterminators have to have real bugs on them?  I hate that.  I don’t want to see a bunch of roaches on a kitchen counter.  Nor do I want to see one “crawling” on my monitor.  I hate bugs.  Yea, yea, they eat other  bugs and are good for the soil.  Whatever. I don’t like them at all.  Advertise another less disgusting way.

Unfortunately, a 14 year old girl dies in a car wreck the other day.  That’s awful.  But why is it the lead in story on the news?  Let this family grieve.  People die in car wrecks all the time.  Are we that desperate for news?  I feel tremendous sorrow for this family, but I didn’t know the girl.  Why do I need to know all about her now?

Herenton is making Memphis look bad again.  This time, he’s getting his name in the NY Times.  Yeah, he’s a racist.  Everyone here knows it.  I hope Cohen beats him like a steel drum.

There is a house on Perkins on my way to work that still has Christmas decorations up.  For the longest time, I thought the house was vacant and they just left everything there.  But today, I discovered that someone does live there.  So, since last year, this person has lived with two wreaths on the garage, garland and ribbon and the stair rail, a black Santa, and the icicle lights outside every day.  I mean, how hard is it to carry the plastic light up Santa in the garage?  I would have knocked on the door to ask if I could help if I didn’t think I would be guaranteed to be shot.  But, I guess now it’s not worth it since it’s only 99 shopping days till Christmas.  No use in bringing it all in now.   The laziness just amazes me.

It’s Thursday.  Tomorrow it is Friday.  All will be well then.

You would think with all the hoopla and controversy over the Obama school speech that I would be spewing nonsense like a lot of other idiots out there who didn’t vote for the man.  However, I read the speech.  Not so bad.  He didn’t try to sell public healthcare or Islam or anything like that.  So, I didn’t worry too much about it.  As soon as I got home to the kids I asked about the speech.  “What speech?”  “There was no president  speech that we watched today.”   What?!  Yes, it’s true people.  My kids in a private, Catholic, majority Republican school where most parents are still married did not watch the president urge them to do their best in school.  The don’t need that boost.  My kids, and the majority of the kids at that school get the positive reinforcement they need from their parents and their teachers.  They don’t really relate to Obama’s hard times growing up.  They don’t live in “tough” neighborhoods.  Their parents always have food on the table.  To the majority of the kids at SFA, not doing their best is not an option.

It’s a sad state when you have to be told this via a live conference with the President.  Shouldn’t parent’s be responsible for telling their kids to do their best?  Shouldn’t the teachers at the schools try their hardest to make sure every kids succeeds despite hardships at home?  My parents and my teachers did what they could to provide me with everything I need to have a successful life.   How hard is that?  I didn’t need a president to tell me that.

There is nothing I hate more than people who don’t know the difference between something that’s supposed to be a joke and something that’s real.  There are people who read my little piece of the internet who don’t understand my sense of humor.  They make stupid comments.  I know what I say isn’t scientifically correct.  I am no freakin’ scientist.  It’s a JOKE, people.  It’s irony.  It’s humor.  It’s satire.  And if you are so stupid as to think what I say is the damn truth or that (gasp!) I am so dumb that I don’t know how it all works, then you, my non-internet friend, are an idiot.

Thank you, have a nice day.  I am done.

What in the world is up with Memphis weather?  Upper 70’s at the end of August?  Lows in the low 60s?  Where am I, Wisconsin?  Tuesday night I was walking my mom outside at 9:40 and I was freezing!!  It’s still summer and I had the heat on in the van at least 3 times on the way to school and work.  Global warming?  Please.  Al Gore, what do you have to say about this?  We don’t even have humidity lately.  It kind of makes me worry that with such a cool summer what the winter holds for us.  So I looked it up on the Farmer’s Almanac: expect a much colder winter and lots of precipitation.  Yay us.  I am sure we will have White Death 2009 this year.  It also says that we will get the worst of the winter weather earlier.  We usually get snow in March.  As much as I love me some snow, I absolutely HATE the cold that has to happen to make it all pretty and white.

Maybe next year we will have a true Memphis summer, humidity and all.  And Al Gore and start his ramblings again.

Loving Memphis: An Open Letter

by Stephen M. Hackett

I have the coordinates to Memphis tattooed on my left forearm. I get asked about it almost everyday, and usually the response I get is goes something like this:

Why would you get that tattooed on your arm?

My answer is simple — I love Memphis. It’s a great city.

I’m not talking about the postcard platitudes that include sweet tea, BBQ and Elvis. Those type of niceties keep us distracted from the real issues.

I’m talking about the Memphis that I’ve come to know over the last few years that is excited about change. The Memphis that St. Jude, the Memphis Zoo, the Pink Palace and FedEx are proud to call home. The Memphis that gets together to help build skateparks, bike paths and community gardens. The Memphis that cheers when a corrupt mayor steps down. The Memphis that looks at our children’s futures with hope instead of despair. The Memphis that treasures Shelby Farms and wants to clean up playgrounds in Orange Mound.

Loving Memphis doesn’t mean ignoring its problems. Crime is high and our schools are bad. There’s corruption in both city and county governments that keeps them from doing any real work most days. We have an extremely high infant mortality rate and poverty plaguing thousands. We have gangs who threaten our youths’ futures. Memphis is a malnourished, sick city.

Organizations like the Salvation Army (the people behind the Kroc Center), Memphis Union Missions, BRIDGES, the Greater Memphis Greenline, the Hope and Healing Center, the Children’s Museum of Memphis, Christ Community Health Services and countless others are already tackling issues and fixing problems.

But things won’t change — no matter how many great organizations we have — until citizens get mad and get things done. We need to be willing to get over our pride and our anger and go do something. We need to tell our leaders in City Hall what we want and fire them when they don’t deliver. We need to feed the homeless and stop fearing people who don’t look like us.

Most importantly, we need to get over the notion that Memphis’s problems are unique. Memphis’ problems aren’t that unlike problems other cities face, no matter how many people want Memphis to be different — and thus, hopeless.

So Memphians, I challenge you to find something in this city you can love and get behind. Make this city yours. If you can’t do that, if you can’t get past hating this city and the people in it, then step aside. We don’t need you or the negativity you spread. Memphis can’t take it anymore.

And those of us who love it here won’t take it anymore, either.

Wish I could have written this.  How awesome is this guy?! He should run for mayor.

Last night my wonderful husband recorded the Memphis mayoral debate.  I had no intention of watching it because I can’t vote and I knew it would be a train wreck.  But, after the kids went to bed we watched the entire thing.  Let me just say it was more entertaining than anything I have seen on the tv in a long while.  First, we have Carol Chumney, the only white woman running who blinks a million times a minute.  I am serious.  I tried counting but coudn’t keep up.  I thought she was going to get airborne.  It was freaking hilarious.  Then we have Wanda Halbert who hates the police department because her son got pulled over and caught with marijuana.  So it’s the police’s fault, not her son’s.  Then we have Jerry “the King” Lawler, the ex-fake wrestler.  He actually made sense and had decent ideas, but still wants to keep his WWE job.  Sharon Webb – what can I say about her that isn’t mean?  Does she have a mental condition?  She made Mongo look good!!  Prince Mongo kept everyone laughing, and believe it or not had some (okay 2) good ideas.  But I got distracted by his mirror glasses and pink paint on his hands.

I think everyone knows it’s down to AC Wharton and Myron Lowry.  Myron actually came across as the most positive.  I believe he really wants this city to “move foward.”  That must be his slogan.

So citizens of Memphis – register and vote.  Vote for the best candidate.  Don’t vote for Mongo and screw the system. It was Mongo who helped Herenton win the first time.

Watch the debate for your entertainment here.

In highly illogical thinking, I thought that if I blogged about Hizhonor, WW Herenton and his retirement/resignation something would jinx it.  I would sing into this here little piece of my internet and berate the potato head then decide that karma is a good thing to have on your side.  So, instead of going to my happy place and writing something fun and witty and non degrading, I didn’t write at all.  And look what happened anyway!!!  The idiot pulls a petition to run to replace himself.  I think I drank a lot that night.  If you have read me at all, you know what a mockery I think Memphis City Hall is. And that is one of the reasons I don’t live in the city anymore.  I know what you are thinking, “why do you care so much about Potato Head?  You don’t even live here!”  Well, I lived in Memphis since I was surgically removed from my mother.  I love the city and most of the people that live there.  I think a lot of it sucks, too.  And, dammit, I am entitled to my opinion!!!! For those of you who do live in Memphis, when it comes time to vote, don’t help further the bad image of the city.  Vote for someone you know can lead it out of the abyss.

Now!!  I feel so much better.

I sit here typing this by the light of the moon on the front porch of our very good friends’ beach house on Pleasure Island on Carolina Beach, NC. It’s a lovely night, made all the better by several glasses of really good pinot noir, sleeping kids, and a nice breeze. If you know me at all, you know I hate to travel. I strongly dislike taking vacations, being anywhere but my own house in my own bed with my own routine. But so far, no breakdowns. Kids have been great, weather has been perfect for me (mid 90’s) and I even found vegan hotdogs and sausage on
the island. No one has gotten hurt or sunburn – yet. All is good here.
Could this mean I am getting past hating vacations? Nah, I think the wine is working its magic.

Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcet, Michael Jackson and Billy Mays all die in one week. What the hell is going on? At least Ed was older. Farrah did have cancer. But MJ and Billy Mays?
I love Michael Jackson. Ok, not him, per se, but his music and his talent. That man could sing and dance. I am so glad that my kids got to see him before he died thanks to youtube one Sat morning. They knew how great he was and why everyone was so sad. So many artists were inspired by him. I remember my dad getting cable just so we could watch the premier of the Thriller video on MTV. My kids have a hard time believing that there used to be a channel on tv that played music videos. Forget that Jackson supposedly liked little boys. Forget that he used to be black. Forget that his kids were test tube babies. Forget Neverland. But remember him as a major talent in the music industry.
Shamon!! I’m Bad! It’s a Thriller!